My Life as a Mary Sue
by Rhea Silverkeys
Summary: It’s hard being a Mary Sue, it really is. You wouldn’t think so, but it is. I mean, look what I have to go through. Boys chasing you all the time? I mean, sure, the attention is nice, but really. I have a limit. And all these powers...the perfect looks...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Since I'm editing the page breaks, here's a new author's note. This is a parody I wrote years ago and it needs some serious editing or deleting, but since I've got reviews on it, I'm leaving it here for the moment.**

**Any intellectual damage incurred through the reading of this is not the fault of the author's. ****I warned you.  
**

**Chapter 1 **

It's hard being a Mary Sue, it really is. You wouldn't think so, but it is. I mean, look what I have to go through. Boys chasing you all the time? I mean, sure, the attention is nice, but really. I have a limit. And all these _powers_ … they're a burden. Like that Spiderman guy … with great power comes great responsibility. Urgh. Who wants that? And all my dark secrets are hidden, what a burden. I have to let it all out on the next guy I make out with …

Oh, an application form. What's it for? Let me see … transfer student? NO … gosh only two people out of 1000 can get it? Ah, I'll apply anyway. Maybe my extra powers will sway the judges. Or that huge lump of fortune my dead parents left me, but I don't tell people about it because I don't feel comfortable with it. Ooh, or maybe my pet dragon. He's small, he can fit into the palm of your hand. Yes, he's a rare species. And I named him Fyrer. He's so loyal, too.

I have to wait a month? Oh, I'll never survive this … I need to get away, if only for a year. If I have to sit through this pain and sorrow any more I think I'll go mad … I miss Mum and Dad so much …

Have I mentioned my name? Diaranay Lightborn. And have I described myself? Bright green eyes with flecks of purple and blue in them, long auburn hair that go past my shoulders and conveniently cover my face so that boys can tuck them behind my oh-so dainty ear when I'm crying because my burdens have become too heavy, the fullest most nicest lips anyone could ask for, a voice that tinkles like the heavenly sound of a stream tinkling nearby, hands that are dainty and smooth and a walk that just makes everyone look at me, because I am the centre of everything.

Oh Merlin. I don't believe it. _I don't believe it._ I GOT IT!! I'm going to England! To Hogwarts! Two out of 1000 can get it, and I got it! Yay! Go me! I'll do that dance that the Persian prince taught me when I saved his palace from the demons! -dances away-

-dances back- Woot! I've got to pack … let me see … all my robes of course. My Galleons that I don't want anyone to know about are in a Gringotts account … my top-of-the-line Lightning broomstick that only the top Quidditch players have … my crystal orb … Book of Shadows. Can't forget that. My whitelighter will join me … the other sisters will get along fine. I'm the most powerful one of all, anyway. They're back-ups, really. Yeah, I revolutionized the Charmed Ones … there's only _one_ Charmed One. Ah, the burdens of my Mary Sue-ness.

Nick will just have to get on without me. I'm sorry, Nick, but I have to go to England, to Hogwarts. It is where my destiny lies. Not here, in America. I must leave all that is precious to me. The Dark One will find me if I remain here. And my past has too many memories here. It will be better for all of us.

I am leaving with both grief, sorrow and eagerness. Yes I said both but I mentioned three things. So sue me. I have a defence lawyer in the realms of the dead. I saved him from the eternal fires and he is forever in my debt. I am leaving with grief and sorrow for I leave all that is dear to me. But eagerness, for the new life that is to come.

If only the Dark One does not find me. Oh, Legolas and Aragorn, that your sacrifice was not wasted!

I've met some nice people on the train. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are all extremely nice people, but Hermione Granger is a real know-it-all. Well, she's going to have a contender for top-of-the-year spot. My superior intellect should beat her. After all, I got 20 OWLs. No one got 20 OWLs. And I'm taking every single subject for NEWTs. And I've so far scored an 'Outstanding' in all my homework. Hah, she is no match for me.

I've seen Harry and Ron looking at me a few times. It's a strange thing. Harry is winking at me now. I wink back. Oh, he's coming over. I can see Ron's watching the whole thing. I really hope that this crush on me won't ruin their friendship. It seemed like such a strong one, too.

Ah, no, they're _fighting_. I hoped it wouldn't come to this. I pull them apart. Hermione is watching me beadily. I ignore that. Instead I look both of them in the eye.

"What's going on?" I ask.

Both mumble something, of course. They'd never admit they were fighting over a girl but I know that's what they were doing.

Ah, such a pity. It seemed like a strong friendship.

The burdens of being a Mary Sue …


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Harry looks positively cute with his black hair and green eyes that are so similar to mine … not only are they green, they also hold secrets that are dark, just like mine. Oh, to know those secrets! To have him pour his heart out unto me, to trust me to tell me …

Oh, dear. I'm neglecting Ron. It isn't fair, especially since I made out with him in the broom closet, but Harry's far more … appealing. It's all those secrets in his eyes. They remind me of me.

Hermione's far too annoying. I think she suspects I'm a Mary Sue. It's not my fault I could answer all those questions in Arithmancy a lot faster than her. And in Transfiguration too. And Charms, and Defence Against the Dark Arts, and … well, all the subjects really. It's _not my fault._

Aha. I've got Harry up in a corner now. Oh, he wants me. I know he does. I start by nibbling his ear. Oh, he likes that, doesn't he? Ha. We have a very passionate make-out time in the empty classroom. Harry tells me everything. Oh, how he suffers. Just like me.

Damn. Why, why, why. They've found out I'm Voldemort's daughter. But I'm nothing like him. He's evil. I'm not. I'm the epitome of goodness. It's not my fault he raped an Elf and got her pregnant.

Oh, the hurt that was in Harry's eyes. I can't bear it.

The hatred there. I can't take it. I'm breaking down in front of him.

There, he's put that stray strand of my perfect auburn hair behind my oh-so-delicate ear. I tell him everything. Being brought up by the Elves. My parents dying and leaving me a fortune that I don't tell anyone but him about. Witnessing my parents murder. Yes, my father is Voldemort but I'm just full of plot holes. Going to Middle-Earth. Discovering the creature who murdered my parents is the Dark One. Legolas. Aragorn. Their sacrifice, to die to keep me alive. Becoming a Charmed One. Living with the fact that Voldemort is evil. Carrying a big dark secret that could save the world or condemn it.

Of course, Harry asks what it is. I can't tell him. He has only love in his eyes for me, now. We kiss. Ron watches and I can see the fire growing within him. He will turn Dark. Ah, such a pity. It was such a good friendship.

The burdens of being a Mary Sue …


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Who knew Draco Malfoy was so cute. Ah, the blond hair, the cold grey eyes! It will be a challenge to figure him out, put some warmth into those eyes of his. I think there are some deep secrets that he can reveal to me, while I reveal to him deep dark secrets of my own.

Draco was pushed off the Astronomy tower. Being the only person there I summoned my Charmed powers and froze time. Then I flew up and saved him. Yeah, I can fly. Peter Pan style. And no pixie dust or happy thoughts either!

Draco was eternally grateful. We kissed. He confessed his mad Slytherin-mate had pushed him off because he'd made out with the Slythern's girlfriend, but he promised me that from now on his only one eternal love would be me. Oh, I can see his enemy-ship with Harry will become more intense.

I showed everyone my new powers today. They were all in awe, every single one of them. Except Hermione. She's never in awe of anything. She just nodded to herself and wrote something down in a notebook. I think she's doing an expose on how I am a Mary Sue. I must stop her before she ruins my image.

Everyone knows I am Voldemort's daughter now. Rita Skeeter did a piece on it in the Daily Prophet and I don't know how she got the information. Damn whoever did that. Draco still loves me more than ever, of course. Harry doesn't care because he knows I am the epitome of goodness. Everyone is shunning me. Ron is nowhere to be found in the school. He has already found Voldemort, I saw it in a vision.

Oh, no! There's a Giant attack on the school! I have to do something! This is Voldemort's idea, I know it is. He was plotting with Ron Weasley yesterday, I saw it in a dream. Ron's his right-hand man now. Lucius Malfoy is incredibly jealous and is now, I think, plotting to get rid of the boy.

They're destroying everything. They even squished Hagrid's hut flat. I hope Fang wasn't in it. Oh well. If anyone dies I will use my blood to make them alive again. And if they're seriously hurt I will use my blood to Heal them.

Draco is delirious with delight about this attack, but he won't be so delirious when one of the giants almost kills him. There, see. My prophetic powers are incredibly precise. I'll save him. I dive under using my Dash-like speed and using my Mr. Incredible-like strength keep the giant from squishing Draco. He gets out and stares at me with newfound wonder in his grey eyes. There is love in there too, I can see it.

Everyone is panicking. Even the teachers are screaming their heads off. No one's doing anything whatsoever, so I save everyone. I even give witty comebacks to whatever the dumb giants are saying in their dumb little giant language. Hermione is scribbling away in her expose notebook. I must steal that one day. And destroy it. I must remember. But now I have better things to do. Like save Hogwarts.

There is a lull in the attack. Harry whispers to me that he loves me. Draco whispers to me that he loves me. And in a sudden mood he tells me that he has been abused by his father, and wants to lead a normal life and become a spy for the Order. I lead him to Dumbledore, who mysteriously disappeared at the time of the giant attack but mysteriously reappeared during the lull in attack. Ah, unexplained actions. They're everywhere when I'm around.

Ah, Ron has appeared. He has transformed gruesomely into a monster. Harry and Hermione and all the Weasleys who mysteriously appear at Hogwarts fall to their knees and scream very dramatically, "Why?"

Ron in turn points at me and screams very theatrically, "Her!"

Everyone looks at me. I play damsel in distress, as I am wont to do. I cry. "What did I do?" I cry.

Draco rushes to me and holds me dear and near. Harry rushes to me and holds me near and dear. Both glare at each other. I implore them not to fight, and point out Ron as the result of this fight. Both look at him and are filled with a great sadness. I can tell because I am a great feelings-reader. It's in my genes. My grandmuzzer had a knack for these things.

It is such a tragedy for Ron. He is going to try and kill us all. And we all know why he became evil in the first place.

Oh, the burdens of being a Mary Sue …

Hermione is being her usual self and jotting everything down in her expose notebook.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Ron starts to attack. He takes out his wand but before he utters a curse I cry that I don't want to kill him, that he can still come back to the good side. Even with my future-seeing abilities, I can't see that this is not going to work.

It doesn't work.

Ron attacks.

I sigh. I don't want to do this. Really don't want to do this. But I have to. I'm the epitome of good, but sometimes you just have to kill to do what's right. Using my powers of … something, I can't remember what, I kill Ron. He dies. Just like that. There he is, lying on the floor, cold, pale and lifeless. What a waste of a life. It's my fault really, being a Mary Sue, but I can't help it. I can't help who I am.

Voldemort comes out. His eyes are red and he has slits for a nose. Not a very fatherly figure, if you ask me, but he's still my father. Albeit a very evil one, who probably wouldn't hesitate to kill me.

I can't kill Voldemort, though. He is my flesh and blood. Due to some clause in the Mary Sue contract I signed, I can't kill my flesh and blood directly. There is a round-about way of killing my own flesh and blood, but it isn't until everything turns dire that I remember it. I also remember it was written in fine print.

Voldemort tortures Harry. I am rendered completely helpless for a while, for reasons unbeknownst. Then he tortures me. His own flesh and blood! How, how? I will be traumatised forever by this, I just know it. Then I will have to be cradled in the loving arms of either Draco or Harry, whoever survives this. If they both survive then I'll just be loved and cradled by both.

Then, finally, I remember what I have to do. Summoning up all my courage, and muttering an 'I Love You' to both Harry and Draco (yes, I love two people at one time) I sacrifice myself in order to kill Voldemort and save the entire wizarding world from doom.

I die.

Hermione cannot write her expose on me. Which is good. The truth will still ... be _out there_.

Everyone grieves for me and says how good I was, and how I deserved to live.

But it is done. I am dead.

My story ends with a corny poem.

My story's ending was also incredibly rushed, but when you have an author with a short attention span this is what you get.

Oh, the burdens of being a _dead_ Mary Sue.

I will arise from the grave. I know it. I can feel it in my dead bones.

Three days later …

I have arisen from the dead. I told you. There was a hidden prophecy that no one knew about. It said I would arise from the grave. It also says I will become evil and ravage all the world. Only the power of love from Harry and Draco will save me. And it does. I was evil, and I did ravage the world, but no more. I am the epitome of goodness again.

Ah, the burdens of being a Mary Sue.

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**-THE END-**

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